SACRAMENTO, CA - My first mistake was probably visiting Kinko’s before I went to the downtown post office in the capital. Kinko’s bustled with activity and while one employee took care of my business, several others asked me if there was anything I needed. They do just about everything there except rotate your tires, and the place is open 24 hours a day. Kinko’s would mail your letters too but they can’t. Neither can United Parcel Service, whose driver was there making a delivery before rushing off to another of his more than 100 daily stops. First-class mail is a protected government monopoly. So I had no choice but to head for the post office.

California’s capital is a city of some 400,000 people. One would expect that the main post office would have more than, count ‘em, two clerks working at once. Actually, it was more like one and a half. One got the feeling that lunch in the post office cafeteria had been Valium, with Seconal for dessert. The queue trailed back into the expansive lobby, as though the building had been designed with delays in mind.

A customer in front of me reached the counter and asked if he had any mail. The clerk vanished and returned about seven minutes later to inform the man that, no, he didn’t have any mail. Another clerk finally emerged, at glacial speed, to announce that if any of the 20 or so people in line were there to pick up some item, they could see him. But my line remained long enough that I had time to share my favorite postal horror story.

Several years ago, when I paid for my postal box in San Diego, with their official envelope, in their post office, the envelope got sent to--I am not making this up--New York City. They couldn’t explain how such a thing had happened, but it seems pretty clear.

As the Sacramento posties proved again today, the United States Postal Service is a belch from the dark ages. You can actually drive anywhere in the continental United States faster than they can deliver a first-class letter. So delivery works out to pennies a day. Branches are open bankers’ hours and many are closed for normal business on Saturday. The workers don’t hustle because under a government monopoly they don’t have to. I sometimes see the local delivery man yammering on a cell phone or taking a siesta in his truck.

Wait, I almost forgot to tell you. To enter the main post office in Sacramento you have to pass through, yes, a metal detector, supervised by armed guards. What is this about? It is postal workers, not postal customers, who with amazing frequency shoot up the place, hence, the term “going postal.” Perhaps these people were asked to deliver 50 percent of the mail on time, instead of just 30 percent, and couldn’t handle the stress. Management responds by inconveniencing customers.

There is only one way to fix this pathetic and insulting outfit: privatization. Remove the monopoly on first-class mail. Nothing else will do. Meanwhile, the current setup does fulfill an educational role. The United States Postal Service gives some idea of what government-run medical care would be like. Think long lines.

--K. Lloyd Billingsley